will the door knob ever turn again

How come I feel so sad when I think about the doorknob turning, the jingle of keys, the clang of the metal grills you try to mute and the thud of the wooden door? And the fumbling sound of shoes being taken off and placed on the rack.

What did I feel then? I cannot remember for sure. I felt a sense of familiarity, a little tinge of excitement perhaps? Wondering if you brought anything interesting.. Anything for me? Perhaps I romanticise.

Whatever. Why does it matter anyway.

I just know how much I detest and despise you now.
You could have just jumped off. Then I would have more concrete fodder to pass the night with when I can't sleep.

What were You thinking as You traced behind me? For what do you cry for. When you and I know nothing is going to change. Your suitcases are still there. Obstructing. Hindering. Ugly reminders we can do without. Take them away. Everything in the storeroom too. Go away.

Go to kokomo. ( haha )

a piece of crap i want to validate

Dear __

Do you know how disappointing it is for me when you leave without saying goodbye? That is the least you could do short of waiting for me to go off together right? But you do not bother.

I have so many things to tell you, to ask you and everytime I lose a chance to do so, my heart sinks.

It is really so tiring for me to like you. I feel rather dumb too, as my interest is not reciprocated.

I must say you are very cute to me. Your smile never fails to induce a bigger one on my face.

I really hope to be a closer friend to you.

And this shall remain a letter you shall never know of.

For now, let me find in myself the strength and determination to do my own thnings.

Me.
_________________________________________________________


I wrote that a few years back, while on the bus home feeling dejected.

hahahahahaha

a slice in time of my life...on a piece of foolscap. Melancholy? Fondness? Sentimentality? tinge of sorrow? ( indulging a bit too much haha) What do I know what do I feel.

It is sad how everything doesn't really matter after time passes. The feelings either morph away or remains in that slice of time. Taking a life of its own, staying there, growing, shrinking, fading, whatever. It just stays there. Waiting for you to remember it. Waiting for something to trigger your memory of it. So that it can come back to make you feel cold again.

Just go away. that sickening watery you. too soft and weak-willed for my liking.

for a little bit of control

Thanks!

thanks to you and you for helping me feel better! =)

I see that chances come like this =)

? when... u just feel down

tired with no right to be.
empty with no right to be.
sad with no right to be.

I am pro-active in seeking sadness and wastedness by being passive with my life.

Hello, wake up by starting to sleep earlier.

Happy Birthday Yip Su Jun -050290

Whey Sujun,

Sheng ri Kuai le!

HAPPY 19th!!

Very glad and thankful to have you as one of my longest-serving friends, one of the very few I can be rude to! ( haha because we are too used to each other ? no?)

haha
but don't be too Rude to me ok....
I shiver with fear when you are in your sleep-deprived grumbling mode!
As you know your dear friend over here is so sensitive... hehe

hmm, I wonder why but the recurrent footage running through my mind now as I started typing this post is of us in sec 1 or 2...

One dark silent night during Npcc camp in the old school compound. After finishing a whole day of activities and one pumping too many, it was finally lights-out time- BUT, WE HAVE NOT SHOWERED!!!

haha not letting us shower was supposed to be character-building? But who cares, ben xiao jie aka me, was going to get her shower no matter what. I suggested to you somewhat halfheartedly that we sneak away to shower...half expecting you to preach to me about following the rules. So boy was I pleasantly surprised that you were so gungho to come along! ( maybe without your support i might have timidly aborted my illicit plan ...lol)

So under the nanhua moonlight, clutching our crinky plastic bags of wash-up materials, both of us stealthily crept. Out of the no-privacy sardine-packed tent to the toilet, inching towards fresh water...towards shampoo and soapy bubbles, I am sure we must have been rather excited. The fruit when forbidden always tastes better; The shower when deprived is always much sought after and enjoyed a thousand times better!

Remember us passing the NCOS being punished by the sir/mdm as we made out way to or fro?
We just assumed a nonchalent air while holding down sly grins and a rehearsed script of bubbling innocence to expain our late night escapade : ' oh we just went to brush our teeth/she had a tummyache....etc'

So in no time we were both clean and refreshed... and I remember feeling very pleased with my 'clever idea of not listening to their instructions' ...I think I sniggered a bit at the others who were sound asleep in their talcum powder-encased body, underneath of which was surely a layer of sweaty grime...not me! I am prim and proper and clean. (><)

In nanhua:

1. jumping ( actually it should be dropping oursleves) off the 2nd floor. -credits to your 4/2 boys for inspiring me to follow suit! lol. You have no idea how I tingle with surpressed excitment each time I see them perform their feat, yearning to do it myself...and I am so thankful to find you as my partner in crime!
2. Climbing up/over the fence to the field
3.Tunnelling in the drian over to the field
4. Companion and guide and best friend in NPCC!

In Sajc:
1. Number one on the list is the fried rice adventure!! ( actually it is not really fried rice..some indian kinda rice..whts it called?) Two of us with 3 or 4 heavy bags packed to bursting point with dinner, what strain the arms endured...But the highlight was to come yet...

After walking a thousand miles and weightlifting everyone's dinner simultaneously, we arrived at the gate to find it locked. So! ARE we going to walk a homongous round to the front gate? Of course not, so here comes the highlight: Off came the shoes and over the fence it went, followed by one of us, then with one of us on the other side of the fence, the huge bulges of dinner was passed with a heave and a ho over the fence taller than ourselves to the one inside. This process repeated itself agian as there was another fence to conquer before we could break back into school. Doing all this with the stress of having the dining hall cursing at us slow couriers made it all the more thrilling and chillingly (niggling fear of being scolded by ms wee) exciting.

and then they saw the squashed styrofoam boxes and flood of escaped rice grians...

2. Faithful and Reliable and Fun partner in Rock-climbing ( and are you mumbling to urself something concerning the 2nd adjective, me, and the art of belaying??? -.-)

I love rolling down the 'cushion tunnel' at yishun safra with you as my audience and also fellow participant. Shall not forget your personal style of tumbling down backwards and how you goad me to try it ( btw, I did tell you the sight of you doing that is very ugly, did I? x))...and I won't forget the description of me as a big-headed chicken flapping my arms as I 'squeal' (hello? I don't make this type of noise ok) my way down.

3. During the level two course, we both were kind enough to allow the rest below to 'enjoy' the sight of two harness-clad bums 3 or 4 metres up in the wall fumbling clumsily with the knotted/tangled rope. FOR erhh, almost an hour?? Lol I though perhaps I was going to drop down and die then. Or maybe spend the night up there. Haha you were kancheong with your trademark nervous laughter and fumbling fingers too. How I wished we have got a pic of us up there!


Yo, so these are some specific episodes I can remember and have the energy to recount now...

Anyway the significance of writing all these is to remind you and me of the experiences we had together, and as time passes and childhood fades, they will become even fonder and more precious memories of mine.

When will we ever climb fences, tunnel underground and drop ourselves off walls agian?
*wistful and pleading look* x)


I hope if we ever quarrel agian which I am sure we will if we get the opportunity to =) or we have some bones to pick about each other (><) , we will come back to read this post! Then we will be reminded of how our friendship was forged slowly over so many days in school, Npcc trainings, camps, squabbles, rock climbing trainings, break times in school and so on... Looking forward to still being your friend after you have achieved your metamorphosis into a sweet old wrinkled lady with a kind twinkle in the eye.

Anyway, have a great nineteenth year of your life.

Hope we can still be schoolmates after august!

ps: you are no longer 'yi duo hua' . How? LOL =p


2.50 am~
Your sentimental friend

they feel so too

hahaha I just grinned spontaneously when I went to this person's blog ( no offence whatsoever, it just set me thinking ) :

read this few lines ive extracted:

-I am rotting at home
-will groving and wallowing in my unworthiness , cast me out of this current life?
still wondering.

AHAAHHA! so funny isnt it? in a stupid but enlightening sort of way. This is because i was just about to post a 'tinge of regret, do u feel it?-let me lead ur life which seems so much better than mine! ' kind of post...... now I am a bit embarrassed by how I like to indulge in my own stagnancy as fodder for some insipid blog posts.

reading others' blogs certainty put things into better perspective- such feelings are not unique to me!

still not that ive not done anything... just not enough

will it just appear and make my night!!! come on la

sigh

Insightful

Nonetheless, if our life is but a collection of memories... let us have as much beautiful memories together as possible. As such, do all the good and nice things I can, love freely, make friends eagerly and enjoy myself thoroughly.

In the end, we might all need these memories to tell us who we really are.

---stolen from a blog