A carpark puddle is deeper than me.

An Ode to Love

2011-09-19T11:14:00.001-07:00

O of blackish white

what hue will you be?

Reddish yellow

and blackish white

Let us be them and more

catchphrase of the day!

2011-04-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

Baby misses me! =p

Value-add to yourself

2011-04-12T12:21:00.000-07:00

Forget about Voldemort

2011-03-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's hot in here. humid. and there's a corpse awaiting disposal. shall let it ferment for one night at least. cant bring myself to settle it. i discoverered a really quaint place in school today=). an unexpected disccovery always brings joy. a quiet sorta joy waiting to fester into something. i like the feeling of still wanting to, ___________________________________ i hope to fill in the blank together with you to write the story of my life:)

2011-01-03T01:29:00.001-08:00

argh.ARGH.ARGHHHHHH.

Good convo

2011-01-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

JKZ says:
im a very affectionate guy
but i can let go pretty fast too
not that i choose to
its just
let's find such a sword says:
but ur feelings come n go easily? comes too fast, goes too fast too
JKZ says:
i forget sad things easily
no
good feelings stick with me forever
i still rmb the good times i had with her
but sad feelings dont
let's find such a sword says:
thats great
JKZ says:
my point it
is
after that night
i dont wanna just wake up
and be like everythings fine
like how it usually is for me
everydays a new day
i wanted to rmb the previous night
and all the emotions
so i wrote it down
in a almost poetic manner
describing every detail
every emotion
let's find such a sword says:
JKZ says:
after that
let's find such a sword says:
of that proposal attempt at sentosa?
JKZ says:
i could never forget
i can never forget the fact that
i did try
and i gave it my all
literally
heart and soul
and the rejection
how cold it was
so everytime i think of her i rmb that night
let's find such a sword says:
i thought u say u dun rmb sad stuff?
JKZ says:
eventually my heart grew apart
i dont! but writing it down
helped me rmb that particular sad stuff
let's find such a sword says:
ok
how long did it take u? --JKZ says:
eventually my heart grew apart
JKZ says:
maybe you should try writing your emotions down too
how long?
i dont rmb
times magical like that
write em down… in the most truthful manner
and let time do the rest
its love
theres no short cut here
if there is,
trust me
i wouldve found it

lalala~

2010-12-30T02:28:00.001-08:00

有没有一把剑可以真斩了藕断丝连

有没有一条线能缝扯散了缘

Idyllic Life

2010-12-09T02:53:00.000-08:00

I don't like TWE messing up the house and dirtying my computor.

I don't like the pimple on my nose.

I don't like queueing for KOI bubbletea.

I don't like that it is not very dainty.

I don't like that it went away.

Yet I feel somewhat happy.

If a smile is happiness in a split second.

I have had some minutes of it =)~

Maybe it's just the feel of the quality fabric against my skin, though it's a little too fitting.

It's the little blue elephant stuck faithfully on my fisherman's jeans.

It's the cool weather.

I am pretty sorta happy=)

2010-12-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

LOL seriously.Squeeze it and you realize -Where was the essence?

What had I felt anyway. 'Anyway' is such a word of inertia it should be banned. It smacks of uncertainty, of hindsight or lack thereof that came too late. Of a laid-back nonchalance-the default emotion to take on when you feel nothing. Or perhaps helpless? To feel nothing is sometimes because you don't know what to feel and you somehow desperately want to feel something. To feel something that will validate it. Yet nothing can validate it. So superficial and transient.

I would like to feel otherwise. I would like to feel a deep ache and longing worthy of being described as 'like hell' too.Would I ever? And would I ever be the subject of such desirably painfully sweet 'like hell' longings too?

I wonder and I smirk.

2010-12-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

Today
As I was putting clothes brought back from hall into my wardrobe, I found a single strand of hair.
Innocuous.
On a piece of my garment.
In an all too familiar shade of golden brown. Black roots showing.
3 weeks ago, he had returned with another hair colour. And it was then I knew him no longer.
I picked up the hair, held it up against my white tee to ascertain the colour, the texture.
Then I throw it out the window.

I wonder at the significance. The last physical remnant of something once so dear.

2010-11-30T23:17:00.000-08:00

Can I simply hate and hate and hate? It will be so simple and easy to just hate hate and hate.

Yet I know I cannot. How can I when I can see so clearly that she had felt the same way too.

This is just one episode in my life. An episode that I may look back and think it was nothing after all.
But right now. At this very period, this very moment, It is something. I feel somewhat restless. Something is missing. A part of me, a part I had invested and believed in is missing. It is up to me to complete myself. This much I know. But how exactly to go about it? I feel that the journey to enrich myself and gain contentment is so very long and arduous.

And it is so scary. so scary to think of it. No trace will be left. Of me having lived in that room. Of me having spent countless hours in the room above. Of him spending countess hours in the room below. Everything done, everything said, is naught.

What will be left? Vestiges of what was, glimpses of what had transpired, traces of laughter and thoughts shared that only I hold on to? I hold certain memories close to my heart. I don't know. But the idea that they may not mean anything to him gives me an empty feeling.

What was I. Now that this is the end. An interloper?

To me it was my first relationship, which I cherished and which I do not regret.
Let's hope that I move on soon.
There are more pressing things to do. A million things I can do.

Bye. Short and sweet. Clean and concise.

Therapeutic reading about other's relationships=)

2010-11-29T00:12:00.000-08:00

YAY!
From boredom, I went to www.thatsilvergirl.blogspot.com to check for updates. N lo n behold, there was an update and it is about my pet topic nowadays- relationships.

Let me quote a paragraph which I can relate to so acutely:

But these days, when we have our meals together and I look into his eyes just because, his eyes didn't seem interested. It was like he was uncomfortable with looking into my eyes. No "I feel so blessed to have you" look. No eyes-locked smile at each other. Nothing. He saw me keep staring, and finally looked at me (yes, all this while he was looking all over the place while still facing me, so he should know that I was staring all the while) and went "Yes baby? Why?"

I didn't know if I was being over-reactive. But at that moment I felt sad. Really sad. It wasn't a one-time thing. It had happened quite a lot recently.

Reading similar experiences of other people validates what I feel, and I feel so much better reading what I feel expressed in words by another.

I am thankful for my friends. Just their company is a comfort =)

2010-11-28T07:02:00.000-08:00

I have got to be worth it worth it worth it.
I am worth it worth it worth it.
I must be worth it worth it worth it.

All starts from ME ME ME ME ME ME.

2010-11-25T05:03:00.001-08:00

2010-11-24T08:12:00.001-08:00

便纵有千种风情，更与何人说!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-09-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

谁把谁真的当真
谁是唯一谁的人

美丽的人生
善良的人
心痛心酸心事太微不足道

还是功课最重要

Diary of a Stupid girl

2010-05-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Hi all

I am the eponymous character.

What is bothering me?

Global warming! The political situation on Thailand which has implications for the investment climate in Asia! The Military Junta in Myanmar which violates so many human rights principles, not to even start on basic democratic principles! I am concerned about the apathy of youths in Singapore, many of whom don't know or care about who Goh Keng Swee or who S Rajaratnam is.
How can?? Founding fathers of Singapore leh! Without them Singapore will not be what it is today! I worry about the starving children of the world! I feel such a strong calling and impetus to do something for them! I want to pick up starfishes on the beach! Even if I can't save them all I would have made a difference to the ones I saved.

I want to do something for the world! I want to make a difference! No matter how small. I want to have mattered.

YES RIGHT.

Actually I am just bothered because he isn't online.
Actually I am just bothered because I am getting attention from this someone I don't like when what I want is HIS attention.

Haha.

And so, now you know why I am a stupid girl.

2010-04-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks=)
I will pass the smiles on

Goodnight.
You have reminded me and I've learnt from you

2010-03-19T08:11:00.001-07:00

~~~Sian that I got below average for one of the mod which I find pretty easy, relatively-speaking. GRrrrrrrR. What do I expect? To score pretty darn well when I didn't study well, or even finish reading all the chapters in the first place? Haha, that, is exactly what I expect. Cos I am god. Don't you know? Nope you don't because I have never told you this and you with your puny pea brain would never have figured it out. So now you know I am god! Down on your knees and be prostrated by my magnificence.

It just sucks that I am not a boy. I would like being a boy and growing much muscles. Then I will go around strutting subtly showing off my Biceps and wide shoulders and tall well-built frame wowing all the girls and gays. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST SUCK. Don't you just feel that You suck sometimes? KNS WTH FREAK DARN IT DAMN IT WAHLAU WAHKAO SIAO. Are phrases I seldom utter in real life.

I don't like being a girl. And I don't really care for being a boy too. I wanna be a hermaphrodite. Best of both worlds. Okay I take back my words. shhhhhhh---

YOU. ME. WHO CARES. Go away. come to me. Go away. come over. Go away.

There, I am out of nonsense to type already. Goodnite.

2010-02-16T12:36:00.000-08:00

the saddest day
is when you sit on the same perforated metal chair
and type away knowing you are still the same
and not feeling particularly bad about it too.
days go by in a haze with a a furrow
in the brows what you oughta get
a pain in the butt literally u have
lol
n then someone asks a question n u dont even wanna answer
this tells us how priceless friendships nearing a decade can be
back hunched over and the plastic cup left with but a few sips
the thirst needs to be quenched but not before the teeth are brushed and the face washed.

There there the pineapple tarts looking like fatish insect larva lying still in their place in the container. the top a typical red and which i shall unscrew multiple times tomorrow to get at its contents.

pose pose pose
lag lag lag
what is life if full of care you have no time to care and share. what a life that will be indeed. but that is not my life. I have too much time which I waste till I have no time.

You in the photo which at the point of its conception you hold so much hope that it will reflect a you which you are not.

motions, patterns, habits.

come rain, pelter down in gentle sheets of silver.

I love you you love me we are one big family with a great big hug from me to you, I love you forevermore

Barney!
Qian min I can't dote on you enough!

the tree yearns for peace but the wind won't stop.

Let this not be my story.

you who reads this page of ramblings is a great big fool. second only to the writer herself.

the journey is long but i like it so. Meandering wavering every river makes its way.

You with the thin well-oiled hair shut up and hear. On top of the cliff the wind will blow and you hair will mess up too.

And the legs thought forever long is clad in a pair of shoes. that means it ends too!
wahaha

when the postman comes I will ask her. If there is higher probability that she should be a he since I presume the mental image the great many of us have got for 'postman' is a man.

You who mumbles i cant stand. Enunciate properly before you speak to me.
hehehe and hahaha
who remembers when it's time for bed.
All nonsense and things not done.

Hi I hope you in the garden awaken to your senses soon. Pray and please. Not another bout of ' situational forces' blaming when your 'last' ( i put it in inverted commas 'cos i can't bear it to be really last as in last) pot of gold is squandered.

Goodnight. Sleep tight. I wish you a better tomorrow. To a great year of the tiger for us all=)

2010-01-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

A CURSE TO THE ONE/ ONES WHO STOLE MY FAVOURITE MINI-KNITTED-PANDA PLUSHIE.

You are so despicable to stoop down to the level of unpinning somethning from someone's bag. Its okay though, because you will be suffering a fate worse than death for it.

Let me outline my curse and prophecy for you:

- your hand will get caught in blender and get blended to paste.
-lightning will burn off your scalp
-a high-rise falling litter in the form of a cactus will impale you as you walk innocently under a hdb block
-not dead yet?
-while digging your ears with a stick, which is your favourite pasttime while watching the tv, someone will knock into you accidentely, causing ...ya u noe it. ur ear suffers a horrendous internal injury.
-By some cosmic joke, you get plastinated alive. hahahaha. or perhaps, an autopsy is done on you while you are still alive.

I HATE YOU. U SUCK.

to u the reader who thinks that im overreacting, yes iam. but i like to do so anyway.

WOE TO YOU. YOU EVIL CHEAPSKATE STEALER.

will the door knob ever turn again

2009-09-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

How come I feel so sad when I think about the doorknob turning, the jingle of keys, the clang of the metal grills you try to mute and the thud of the wooden door? And the fumbling sound of shoes being taken off and placed on the rack.

What did I feel then? I cannot remember for sure. I felt a sense of familiarity, a little tinge of excitement perhaps? Wondering if you brought anything interesting.. Anything for me? Perhaps I romanticise.

Whatever. Why does it matter anyway.

I just know how much I detest and despise you now.
You could have just jumped off. Then I would have more concrete fodder to pass the night with when I can't sleep.

What were You thinking as You traced behind me? For what do you cry for. When you and I know nothing is going to change. Your suitcases are still there. Obstructing. Hindering. Ugly reminders we can do without. Take them away. Everything in the storeroom too. Go away.

Go to kokomo. ( haha )

a piece of crap i want to validate

2009-09-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

Dear __

Do you know how disappointing it is for me when you leave without saying goodbye? That is the least you could do short of waiting for me to go off together right? But you do not bother.

I have so many things to tell you, to ask you and everytime I lose a chance to do so, my heart sinks.

It is really so tiring for me to like you. I feel rather dumb too, as my interest is not reciprocated.

I must say you are very cute to me. Your smile never fails to induce a bigger one on my face.

I really hope to be a closer friend to you.

And this shall remain a letter you shall never know of.

For now, let me find in myself the strength and determination to do my own thnings.

Me.
_________________________________________________________

I wrote that a few years back, while on the bus home feeling dejected.

hahahahahaha

a slice in time of my life...on a piece of foolscap. Melancholy? Fondness? Sentimentality? tinge of sorrow? ( indulging a bit too much haha) What do I know what do I feel.

It is sad how everything doesn't really matter after time passes. The feelings either morph away or remains in that slice of time. Taking a life of its own, staying there, growing, shrinking, fading, whatever. It just stays there. Waiting for you to remember it. Waiting for something to trigger your memory of it. So that it can come back to make you feel cold again.

Just go away. that sickening watery you. too soft and weak-willed for my liking.

2009-02-14T07:31:00.001-08:00

for a little bit of control

Thanks!

2009-02-12T08:44:00.000-08:00

thanks to you and you for helping me feel better! =)

I see that chances come like this =)

? when... u just feel down

2009-02-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

tired with no right to be.
empty with no right to be.
sad with no right to be.

I am pro-active in seeking sadness and wastedness by being passive with my life.

Hello, wake up by starting to sleep earlier.

Happy Birthday Yip Su Jun -050290

2009-02-06T08:09:00.000-08:00

Whey Sujun,

Sheng ri Kuai le!

HAPPY 19th!!

Very glad and thankful to have you as one of my longest-serving friends, one of the very few I can be rude to! ( haha because we are too used to each other ? no?)

haha
but don't be too Rude to me ok....
I shiver with fear when you are in your sleep-deprived grumbling mode!
As you know your dear friend over here is so sensitive... hehe

hmm, I wonder why but the recurrent footage running through my mind now as I started typing this post is of us in sec 1 or 2...

One dark silent night during Npcc camp in the old school compound. After finishing a whole day of activities and one pumping too many, it was finally lights-out time- BUT, WE HAVE NOT SHOWERED!!!

haha not letting us shower was supposed to be character-building? But who cares, ben xiao jie aka me, was going to get her shower no matter what. I suggested to you somewhat halfheartedly that we sneak away to shower...half expecting you to preach to me about following the rules. So boy was I pleasantly surprised that you were so gungho to come along! ( maybe without your support i might have timidly aborted my illicit plan ...lol)

So under the nanhua moonlight, clutching our crinky plastic bags of wash-up materials, both of us stealthily crept. Out of the no-privacy sardine-packed tent to the toilet, inching towards fresh water...towards shampoo and soapy bubbles, I am sure we must have been rather excited. The fruit when forbidden always tastes better; The shower when deprived is always much sought after and enjoyed a thousand times better!

Remember us passing the NCOS being punished by the sir/mdm as we made out way to or fro?
We just assumed a nonchalent air while holding down sly grins and a rehearsed script of bubbling innocence to expain our late night escapade : ' oh we just went to brush our teeth/she had a tummyache....etc'

So in no time we were both clean and refreshed... and I remember feeling very pleased with my 'clever idea of not listening to their instructions' ...I think I sniggered a bit at the others who were sound asleep in their talcum powder-encased body, underneath of which was surely a layer of sweaty grime...not me! I am prim and proper and clean. (><)

In nanhua:

1. jumping ( actually it should be dropping oursleves) off the 2nd floor. -credits to your 4/2 boys for inspiring me to follow suit! lol. You have no idea how I tingle with surpressed excitment each time I see them perform their feat, yearning to do it myself...and I am so thankful to find you as my partner in crime!
2. Climbing up/over the fence to the field
3.Tunnelling in the drian over to the field
4. Companion and guide and best friend in NPCC!

In Sajc:
1. Number one on the list is the fried rice adventure!! ( actually it is not really fried rice..some indian kinda rice..whts it called?) Two of us with 3 or 4 heavy bags packed to bursting point with dinner, what strain the arms endured...But the highlight was to come yet...

After walking a thousand miles and weightlifting everyone's dinner simultaneously, we arrived at the gate to find it locked. So! ARE we going to walk a homongous round to the front gate? Of course not, so here comes the highlight: Off came the shoes and over the fence it went, followed by one of us, then with one of us on the other side of the fence, the huge bulges of dinner was passed with a heave and a ho over the fence taller than ourselves to the one inside. This process repeated itself agian as there was another fence to conquer before we could break back into school. Doing all this with the stress of having the dining hall cursing at us slow couriers made it all the more thrilling and chillingly (niggling fear of being scolded by ms wee) exciting.

and then they saw the squashed styrofoam boxes and flood of escaped rice grians...

2. Faithful and Reliable and Fun partner in Rock-climbing ( and are you mumbling to urself something concerning the 2nd adjective, me, and the art of belaying??? -.-)

I love rolling down the 'cushion tunnel' at yishun safra with you as my audience and also fellow participant. Shall not forget your personal style of tumbling down backwards and how you goad me to try it ( btw, I did tell you the sight of you doing that is very ugly, did I? x))...and I won't forget the description of me as a big-headed chicken flapping my arms as I 'squeal' (hello? I don't make this type of noise ok) my way down.

3. During the level two course, we both were kind enough to allow the rest below to 'enjoy' the sight of two harness-clad bums 3 or 4 metres up in the wall fumbling clumsily with the knotted/tangled rope. FOR erhh, almost an hour?? Lol I though perhaps I was going to drop down and die then. Or maybe spend the night up there. Haha you were kancheong with your trademark nervous laughter and fumbling fingers too. How I wished we have got a pic of us up there!

Yo, so these are some specific episodes I can remember and have the energy to recount now...

Anyway the significance of writing all these is to remind you and me of the experiences we had together, and as time passes and childhood fades, they will become even fonder and more precious memories of mine.

When will we ever climb fences, tunnel underground and drop ourselves off walls agian?
*wistful and pleading look* x)

I hope if we ever quarrel agian which I am sure we will if we get the opportunity to =) or we have some bones to pick about each other (><) , we will come back to read this post! Then we will be reminded of how our friendship was forged slowly over so many days in school, Npcc trainings, camps, squabbles, rock climbing trainings, break times in school and so on... Looking forward to still being your friend after you have achieved your metamorphosis into a sweet old wrinkled lady with a kind twinkle in the eye.

Anyway, have a great nineteenth year of your life.

Hope we can still be schoolmates after august!

ps: you are no longer 'yi duo hua' . How? LOL =p

2.50 am~
Your sentimental friend

they feel so too

2009-01-31T08:59:00.000-08:00

hahaha I just grinned spontaneously when I went to this person's blog ( no offence whatsoever, it just set me thinking ) :

read this few lines ive extracted:

-I am rotting at home
-will groving and wallowing in my unworthiness , cast me out of this current life?
still wondering.

AHAAHHA! so funny isnt it? in a stupid but enlightening sort of way. This is because i was just about to post a 'tinge of regret, do u feel it?-let me lead ur life which seems so much better than mine! ' kind of post...... now I am a bit embarrassed by how I like to indulge in my own stagnancy as fodder for some insipid blog posts.

reading others' blogs certainty put things into better perspective- such feelings are not unique to me!

still not that ive not done anything... just not enough

will it just appear and make my night!!! come on la

sigh

Insightful

2009-01-07T09:21:00.000-08:00

Nonetheless, if our life is but a collection of memories... let us have as much beautiful memories together as possible. As such, do all the good and nice things I can, love freely, make friends eagerly and enjoy myself thoroughly.

In the end, we might all need these memories to tell us who we really are.

---stolen from a blog

Enough.

2009-01-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

I feel so cheap for allowing the conversation to go on.
I feel so cheap for wanting to know what they will say.
Whatever, this shouldn't have happened and will not happen agian.
I wish them all the best since they are so pathetic? Especially the King******.
I will not indulge and seek solace from such stupid activities agian.
Maybe I need not be so hard on myself, since I was just curious and insomniac.
Haha, really, Will never talk like that agian!

ps: Don't worry, I didn't so anything illicit or salacious.(Just) cheapened myself with my curiosity and some other difficult-to-express-in-a-few-words feelings.

Goodnight, have fun and be happy and of help tommorow!=)

My dear Self shouldnt be so selfish

2008-12-04T09:59:00.001-08:00

Hey I am Happy agian! =)
haha i was XXXXXZXXX just now but now I am all smiles.
The power of songs, the right one, in changing your moods!=) sigh or it's just fluctuating hormones too.hmm dear blog, you know what? tomorrow im going to be soooo very very very happy=D .looking at the wide-smiled face, it does seems a bit contrived to me.I am convincing myself to be happy! =p so? as long as it works.

what a joke, all triggered by an IDIOT.the idiocy emphasized by the CAPs of course. this is why they say 'nv da bu zhong yong' fancy upsetting the whole house because of some self-imagined issues about him.tsk tsk what a bad girl you are, so childish and inconsiderate and unfillial.to think ur going to be 19 next year?

these past few days have been such a waste.you live by looking at people's pictures.lOL why not go and die if u intend to continue doin this.so pathetic.loser of losers! wake up la , wash ur hair, blow it so it doesnt look too flat then just look out of the window!of course wht ill see wiill be the hdb block in front.But figuratively, ill see wide expanse of an azure blue sky and rolling white clouds and green green meadows.haha how cliched! but I know what I mean.

My target for tomorrow is to hit 5 people.thats the BOTTOM LINE.FIVE ! FIVE! FIVE! FIVE! FIVE! Or not Ill never let myself live it down.=)

another goal is that Ill NOT come online for Friday, Sat and Sun. BREAK THIS PROMISE, and Ill DIE.
yes Ive to say this to make sure Ill do it.

alrite dear, it's very late now, you don't really want puffiness and sullen skin when you have to approach people tomorrow.Goodnight my mama's and my own love.

sleep content, wake up happy and driven.

more calls tomorrow

2008-11-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

dry wrinkly crinkle
I am Zhun En
by typing this?

just, agian ........

2008-09-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

hey u knoe, i think the girl XXX writes really well. understated elegance and subtle wit permeates her writing. how i wish i can write like her and perhaps have a bit of her character too.

i am childish and silly like THAT. i should be self-contained and stop seeking from elsewhere, moreover, from that person.

now , that person is doing enriching activities while i mull and waste my cells and time which of cos i havent much to spare thinking about the nebulous thing which i would like to think is friendship but which isnt.

Hello and bye bye.

-------------------- hekhekhek

2008-09-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

fading, fading into a place you can never reach.

its 10 plus hav i had enough

2008-08-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

once gone
gone forever

我不认识你没
和你说
过话但我真心地祝福你和你家人

My Classmate

2008-07-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

hi my secondary 3 and 4 classmate died yesterday night.

while i was idling, watching the serial 'perfect cut', she lay dying on the hospital bed.

i went for her cremation ceremony today. She lies in her coffin which lies on a metallic machine which goes 'di di di' in increasing intensity as it inches towards the door of the furnace.

someone cries out her name when the doors of the furnace closed.

we are both in the prime of our lives.

in her blog, i saw an entry posted on the 27th july 2007. she was expressing her joy of being cured of cancer. she need only to have a scan to double confirm and from then on closely monitor her body for 5 years. then everything would be fine.

and today she was cremated.today is the 25th of july 2008. why should she die, it hasn't been even one year. she was happy and hopeful then. she wouldn't know.who would have known that 2 days short of one year from that happy and optimistic entry she would be cremated. ashes ashes ashes.

pretty, cheery 18 years old girl.

she was still alive yesterday. and today she is ashes.

please rest in peace.
really, heaven makes a sport of people.

waking up

2008-07-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

so of course i got my retribution for breaking my own promises. This is a blessing in disguise , thankfully =) or ill just get into deeper and stickier mess. thank you for showing me that a different way is possible. this just reminds me that to get myself out of this rut, i just have to get out of the rut myself and look for and embrace new possibilities.

hope it doesn't get worse. hope everything would be fine and not just at the surface. for just being fine at the surface isn't fine at all.

thank you Hui Qi for reminding me for I am a very forgetful person. Thanks! =) tomorrow i shall be attending a pre-celebration of my Nation's birthday, my official renewal ceremony will be together with it! as i smile watching my sister in her formation. the hard work and cooperation of many is needed to come up with the national day parade. for me, i only need to summon up the fiery pride and determination and resilience in myself. LArgely A one-person show, what is so difficult? Just do it and stop thinking!. as he says, waste time not at the crossroads! much less for me, it is just a straight and direct road trodden successfully by thousands. Why not me? yes, SO it shall be ME.

Goodbye and see you there next year, this occasion =).

goodnight
Tan Zhun En

remembers and acts upon her yellowed thoughts.

Let history not be re-written and me to Smile next year, today.

Landing, landing. landing.

2008-07-01T01:09:00.000-07:00

Hi! you know what? today is the first time in many many years gone by that i managed to complete my Chinese paper!! This is regardless of the content and quality of my answers. But still! I finished the whole paper!!!! Can you feel my happiness? =D ! I was trying not to skip too much as I walked back from school =). OH heY ! I finished my paper! =))). For a few moments I felt that perhaps there is hope yet. I must keep the flame of this hope burning! It is simmering down a little now as I contemplate the huge amount of things I must memorise and digest ( Yes Tan Zhun En YOU have no other way to go BUT to memorise. WHO ASK YOU TO BE A DUMB BIRD? just admit and accept that you are a dumb bird. Fly First! =)...Hehehe i wonder why i am so happy? people are happy that theyre gonna get A. and im happy that ive completed a paper. which is the minimum i ought to do. WEll, this is a reminder about how far behind I am!! still, an improvement is an improvement. Go Bird GO! go and practice flying and stop daydreaming.

Oh for the matter, my little fantasy which Ive nurtured thus long was unceremoniously deflated as I walked out of the class room today. Hi Zhun En. lol.

One day, I will be a man.

no to no integrity

2008-06-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

I can survive without it just as well since it isnt really any thing at all. what is most important is that i do not throw away mama's face and my own self-worth down the toilet bowl.

Tan Zhun En does as she says. She keeps her pride.

=0)

2008-06-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

I MUST GET IT

2008-06-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEEH HAHAHAAH LOL OMG WILL I LOL AHAHAHAHA HEHEHEH HOHOHHHOH XIAO LOL REALLY YEA HAHAHAHAH GO GO GO TAN QUEK GUO CHEN JUST DO IT AND STAY

mine

2008-06-12T04:37:00.000-07:00

sticky surface salty feelings. mundane day. flew the years have past. here in this room sits an undeserving girl who takes pleasure in indulging in self-pity and wallowing in negative and self-destructive thoughts. i love her. i love her too. yet i have never been lovable to them. what am i doing. i have done this countless times without seeming to grow or improve. i told you i love being self-destructive. what for. this sickness has been with me ever since i entered school. 10 years have passed. what is the difference. this is the silly angst of a childish mind. what. really? oh i see. what can i say when this is not the first time im going this. seeking attention. i guess so. for? to gratify my vainity. how i wish you would. you would leave a little something behind other than regret and shallowness in me. why and whatever for! i promised not to go there so many times yet i cannot resist the temptation. for my will power is weak. n my motivation hazy. perhaps only seeing the coffin or being in it myself will wake me up. Thanks. thanks. i am not like that! i do not want to be like that! for? to procrastinate. n i would put you back. Not. although this will make no difference to you. this i promise myself that i will keep this promise for till school reopens. Caroline Bingley. How i feel i am like her. Yikes. that is why i must keep my OWN PROMISE. =) bye bye and hi! to the new one inside ! =)

N.ME.

我有我的精彩，我有我的未来

2008-06-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

I am going to climb unhindered up the wall, past the two bumps,touch the end,and say Yes!

And of course tighten the belt and put on the high socks.

我有我的精彩，我有我的未来!

To Myself

2008-06-04T07:40:00.001-07:00

I WILL STOP IT TOMORROW

2008-05-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

NEVER WILL I BE SO DUMB AS TO JEOPARDIZE MYSELF AND WASTE MY OWN TIME AND LIFE.IVE BEEN SUCH AN UNFILLIAL DAUGHTER AND BAD STUDENT.

THIS IS THE END OF MY DECADENCE AND CHILDISHNESS AND FAKE RY AND AIMLESSNESS.

I WILL STOP DRIFTING.

TOMORROW WILL BE A FRUITFUL AND PRODUCTIVE DAY.
NO MORE NONSENSE FROM ME.

lol

2008-05-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

2008-02-27T09:31:00.000-08:00

what has ethnicity got to do with language?---a rhetorical question posed by suchen christine lim

Nothing! she answered.

the lecture theatre erupted in approving appluase.

why is this so?

what is my answer to her question?

this topis is deserving of me doing my university thesis on.

i have strong feelings and mixed and confused ideas about this issue of language and sense of identity as a person, as a member of the national/ethnis/social community. but they shall remian unarticulated until i develop my ability and stamina to do it.for now it shall remain as something i hold a monologue with my mum about.

gutter

2008-02-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

one day i will live in a gutter just for fun.

money is money is money.

落花有意，流水无情。

我是落花还是流水呢？

从前有一粒蛋。

它虽然是鸡蛋，可却从来叶不忌惮被人类吃掉。
那一天，他面不改色，壮烈地被牺牲了。

flesh

2008-02-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

my one and only yiyi had a miscarriage.it is her 3rd.maybe it is her 4th.

hmm.

what do you think of miscarriages?

i love her and wish her all the best

in anticipation of a greener tinge to my skin and a colder shade of brown for the skin under my eyes

2008-02-27T08:51:00.000-08:00

hello tomorrow is service learning day and it is 12.53AM now.why am i not in bed yet? since it is not as if i don't have to wake early tomorrow.well, look at my title.i am sitting here on the cold blue perforated metal chair,aimlessly typing away, listening to the clicking of my keyboard.hello to myself.i like the feeling of imagining that im writing something.while actually im not.haha i read blogs often and seeing a whole chunk of words,long paragraghs intermitted with shorter ones and some pictures...they look so impressive.like their owners have got submerged ink swirling around in their stomaches while keeping up a more childish and "shallow" persona which you had assume is all they have to offer.

hello.i feel that i cannot even construct nice flowing COMPLETE sentences in English.yet all the subjects i am taking require me to write well.how?my english is not beautiful at all!it may even be arkwardly constructed.

let me tell you a secret which is i think, everybody's: i like to think that i am different from the others.however, i have realised that im not.i guess under all the different ways we express oursleves, what we want is essentially the same.we want the sense of security provided by friends, we want to be happy, we want to be valued.we want to feel important.we want to be liked.

we want bad haircuts too.

watch!!! http://youtube.com/watch?v=7BtNN6M97q8

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DMhf2azGW90

for people with base humour like me=)....

2008-02-10T09:13:00.001-08:00

i want chinese new year to last forever.
i want to remain 17 forever and live on forever with my loved ones.
i want it to shrink.
i want to carry caixin.
i want to squeeze her too.
i want qm to love me forever.
i want qm to like me more and more.
i want popo to be healthier and happier.
i want ah gong to laugh more and be happier too.
i want to sleep late and wake up late.
i want to grow taller.
i want to grow taller!!!
i want all exams to be in multiple chioce questions format.
i want to erase my dark eye circles.
i want to be highly intelligent.
i want to be very very ______
i want want want
i demand
i ask to receive all my wants
i want yiyi's baby to be healthy and for pregnancy to be a smooth one.
i love my mama
i love my sister too
i love my mama more
i want it to be sharper
i want to slap anyone who displeases me
i want to have the invisble crowds transporter

Sujun

2007-11-24T08:50:00.000-08:00

You who have been with me from clementi to potong pasir.

How are you?=)

ME

2007-11-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

I feel so odd to be the only married person among my friends.

They only know how to complain about promos...sucky teachers...less-than-stellar results...bitch and whine about their supposed friends.they do not know about nor can they understand my life at all! they are all fellow 17 years old kids like me,plus and minus a few months.bUT our lives cannot be more different.I have to rush out assignments like they have to.get stressed over Project work(phew luckily it's over!can spend more quality time with poor poor darling baby now,finally=))Mug for term tests.Blar blar blar.AND On top of all this, I have to take care of my family .

Can you imagine rushing home from school,while your classmates are bantering and joking their way over to some cool hangout,so as to prepare dinner?!

Chong is getting strange nowadays.he used to be so understanding.

can you imagine waking up at 3am to make milk for a bawling baby?and going to school with dark eye circles later at 7am?

Well, I can.

Because this is my life.

I can only we will settle down financially soon.Hopefully Chong will agree to a maid after his promotion is confirmed.

Basically, im a JC student cum housewife cum underage-mum.I am revealing my latter two identites because I have matured and feel that since these are the roles I play, I should not be ashamed of them.This is me.Now that I have acknowledged myself, I feel so much lighter.

Most importantly, I hope you will not treat me any differently.I am still the same person you know.Sorry if all these have shocked you.

baby is crying.bye.

BLOGGING

2006-12-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

I don't understand.why do people blog?this question is an irony considering what i am doing. to see if people may actually be interested in what you had for lunch?(a cliched phrase I know) to let friends and family share in your life?yes, that sounds like a very good reason to blog.Or as an outlet to express yourself . to enjoy the feeling that someone out there is reading your thoughts.hmm an admirer perhaps? I can never be a successful blogger in the sense of garnering a wide readership.I do not write sensational stuff. I do not write beautifully or inspiring or wittily or funnily.I hold back a lot , afraid that what i write may cause me to lose friends or potential ones.I can never call someone a shriveled raisin or a sniveling grub outright , as i had wanted to in the first post. i worry that what i write may be misconstrued ..that is why i admire people like wendy cheng of www.xiaxue.blogspot.com fame.her frankness and out-rightness , her this-is-me-so-what-if-u-don't -like attitude inspires and entertains me. by the way ,if you blog, please do not keep on writing disclaimers after stating your stand ,opinion or whatever. one or two is fine, more than that and your overwhelming self-consciousness is betrayed.it is very irritating too.

what do you do if you see a dead rat.

2006-12-09T13:43:00.000-08:00

I will stop to look at it. flip it over, sniff the air around it to acquaint myself with its scent.hold my nose if the stench is unbearable. Investigate its cause of death- a raptured stomach?Poisoning? . estimate its time of death. look around for a branch or any suitable contraption of suitable length. Flip the carcass over.Observe.Poke around. would you like to be the rat?

How Many Teachers do you hate?

2006-12-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

I HAVE been in the mainstream education industry for ten years. I have met many idiotic depraved individuals who managed to slither their way through Moe and masquerade themselves as teachers.Some may be actually quite alright in the beginning, but after some years in the education landscape, their passion for teaching fizzles and ideals wither and they become yet another Mr/Ms perfunctory, to say the least. HATE may be too strong a word.However I truly believe that everybody must have at least one teacher whom he or she dislikes immensely. For me a particular Ms A sia seals the deal. Whenever I think of her I cant help but grimace . She is the most insipid and discouraging teacher I have come across, my honoring her with this post is evidence of how much I loath her. She apathy made me felt small and insignificant. I will always remember the arrogant look on her face when she signaled for me to answer a question by jutting out her chin, without once looking in my direction, It may be difficult for you to appreciate how I felt as you do not know the context of our relationship, or lack of one. Also, she always dismisses me and my friend's questions or say she has no time to entertain us, even if we ask her questions at the most appropriate of times. All the while she says sagely to the class," the only way to learn is to ask.. how can you learn if you behave as if you are a wood block?" I can feel that teaching is a joyless chore for her. I pray that she will retire soon.It'll be for hers and everyone's good.

2006-01-16T02:18:00.000-08:00

my friend likes a boy called *Gstar*.she swoons over his dazzling smile and perfect set of white teeth.today,he sent her heart a flutter when he tried to borrow foolscap from her.